Cube Drone


#114

PEP8 vs. V05



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Sparky: I don’t think my code is compact enough. How do I get better?
Milo: gzip?
Sparky: Huh?
Milo: Compact isn’t a very good measure of code quality. You have to consider clarity, correctness, performance, testability, shine, bounce, curl…
Sparky: Wait… bounce?
Milo: You should have seen my hair when I was your age. I looked like Vidal Sassoon.


#115

True Name



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Cube Drone: Hey, Sparky!
Sparky: Could you stop calling me Sparky? I’ve been here for six months!
Cube Drone: (touching Sparky’s face) Sparky, the time has not yet come. One day you will earn your true name.


#116

Glitter and Macaroni






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Sparky (to Cube Drone and Milo): Hey, guys, mail started arriving at my apartment addressed to “Sparky”. Are you behind this?
Cube Drone: Ha ha, yeah! Milo has some contacts, we got your name changed from Wen Zhang to Sparky in a few databases.
Sparky: This is from the government.
Cube Drone: Milo has a lot of contacts.
Cube Drone: Oh, Wen Zhang might also be on the no-fly list, now.
Milo: I wouldn’t use your passport.
Cube Drone: Don’t worry, we made you a new one.
Milo hands over a crudely made passport made with crayon and glitter.
Milo winks.


#117

Some Like It Hot



I really love movies that end on a punchline. There are a few movies out there that just feel like gigantic lead-ins to a single punch-line ending, like the whole movie is one winding joke being told in a smoky bar.

One such movie, “A Boy And His Dog”, is based on a Harlan Ellison short story. The whole movie - long, dark, abstract, super misogynistic, and pretty terrible, start to finish - ends on a really unexpected cannibalism joke. “Well, I’d certainly say she had marvelous judgment, Albert, if not particularly good taste.” Especially contrasted with how dark and humorless the rest of the movie was, I think I laughed for five solid minutes. It made the whole movie seem worth it for me.

“Some Like it Hot”, 1959 comedy classic, has a man, Jerry/Daphne, who, attempting to escape his mafia creditors, is disguised as a woman for the better part of the film. Jerry/Daphne manages to successfully win the heart of Osgood Fielding III, a millionaire who Jerry intends to bilk out of a great deal of money. At the end of the movie, Osgood has bravely rescued Jerry/Daphne from some mafia goons, and Jerry/Daphne - who has begun to experience some real feelings for Osgood - is creating every excuse that he can to try to convince Osgood that marrying him would be a bad idea. She’s a smoker! She’s barren! Osgood dismisses them all, one after the next, until Jerry/Daphne, exasperated, takes off his wig and reveals that he’s a man.

“Well, nobody’s perfect.”

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Melissa: So, here’s the scam. The app I wrote just logs into tinder with an image randomly selected from a Google image search for “sexy”. Anybody who messages her is paired with the next person to message her. Then, it just acts as a proxy, ferrying messages from one horny dude to the next.

Milo: Well, nobody’s perfect. Still want to do this?
CEO: (icily) No.


#118

Creative Meeting Room Names



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Cube Drone: How did your one-on-one with Milo go?
Sparky: Intense. I need to get a drink.
Cube Drone: Hm. The sweat lodge. That’s a curious name for a meeting room.
(Milo is sitting in a hot, wet sauna.)


#119

Predictions For The Future



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The Year is 2038
GOP Cool Ranch defunds NASA; only official duty training tour guides for Frito-Lay Creation Museum.
Apple provides master encryption keys to FBI. FBI immediately reposts all content to revenge porn website, then loses keys between couch cushions.
Dyson folds after creator is sucked into bladeless fan superweapon in Bond-esque standoff


Cube Drone B-Sides and Rarities
#120

Binary Search Your Feelings



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(The crucial scene from The Empire Strikes Back)

JIRA: If you only knew the power of the GANTT chart. Walt never told you what happened to your project.

Cube Drone: He told me enough. He told me YOU killed it.

JIRA: No. I am your project!

Cube Drone: No… no… that’s not true. That’s impossible!


#121

Bitch, I’m a Bus



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Cube Drone: Whenever you warn us about losing a developer, you say “Imagine they were hit by a bus.” Why is it always a bus?
Milo: Shhh… they’ll hear you.
A bus smashes through the whiteboard.
Walt: They’ve found us! Scatter!
Milo, holding a large steel pipe: Not today, bus! Not today.


#122

Chess Bump



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ilo, observing Melissa and Lain playing chess: Playing a game of chess, eh?
Melissa: Sort of, but we improved it.
Melissa: Queen to pawn four!
Lain: Castle!
Melissa: Double castle!
Lain: Ha! You activated my trap card! My king evolves into a mecha-emperor!
Milo: Pawn four?


#123

The Upcoming Blackberry Watch



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Pfft, you think that’s impressive? The upcoming Blackberry watch isn’t just gold plated - it will weigh over 5kg - 2 of which are precious bauxite.
Blackberry Watch Guy: Check out this bad boy!
U2? No way. The Blackberry watch will come pre-loaded with a spoken word William Shatner album.
Blackberry Watch: You wanna sleep with common people?
The upcoming Blackberry watch uses text-to-speech to shout all of your notifications at you. This is not optional.
Blackberry Watch: Remember your butt medicine!


#124

Windows Improvement Program



Like, what if you went into a Subway and they provided a better sandwich experience by also having a miniature Quiznos RIGHT THERE IN THE BUILDING.

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Finally: Windows 10 will ship with an embedded Linux translation layer - like Wine in reverse.
On top of that, a complete Ubuntu distro - so that you can now run bash natively. And apt. And vim. And emacs. And git.
Of course you can improve Windows by emulating a better operating system! Have you been able to do this all along? HAVE YOU?


#125

Blurgoslavia



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Walt: Ok, what are the odds on Ukraine?
Milo: What are you people doing?
Walt is standing in front of a board labelled “Where is Milo from?” with odds on Ukraine, Russia, Uganda, Survivor, Ancient Babylon, Blurgoslavia, and Alternate Universe
Walt covers the board with his body.
Walt: Uh… sprint stuff.
Cube Drone: Burndown.
Walt: Agile processes.
Walt squeaks his body across the board, wiping it off.
Milo: Hmm.


#126

Jovi Compulsion



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Cube Drone is walking. His watch alerts: “Halfway there!”
Cube Drone: Hm.
Cube Drone in full Bon Jovi hair and fringed leather jacket: Whoooah-ooh! LIvin’ on a prayer!


#127

Functional Purity



You might think I’m joking about the insane graphs and charts but you would be wrong.

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Man: In response to recent demands that Lambdaconf ban an outspoken racist from speaking at our conference…
Man: We’ve logically proven, using graphs, that to capitulate would violate the property of immutability - a property required by a purely functional conference.
Graphs: a mostly insane set of graphs labelled with things like “Truth”, “all species together”, “assault”, “circular reasoning”, “morality is impossible”, “psychopath”, and “murder”
Man: And the conference must remain pure.
Another man, tied to a chair: Mmf! MMMF!


#128

Kissy Kissy Boifurendo



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Walt: We have reason to believe that we may have been hacked. One of our file-servers has filled up with pictures of beautiful young animated men kissing!
Lain: It’s Yaoi.
Milo: How do you know what it’s cal-
Lain: Ha ha I hear those dirty hackers love the stuff!


#129

Severance Package



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Milo: After last week’s breach, we’re switching to biometric security. Fingerprints. One thumb for auth, and also pressing spacebar. For redundancy other thumb is amputated and kept in cold storage.
Cube Drone: That’s insane! You can’t have my thumb.
Milo: Ha ha. Just joking. You can all keep your thumbs.
Later:
Milo is holding a cooler marked “Thumbs”
Milo: Hmph!


#130

You Don’t Get Prod Credentials



> distract bear
How?
> remove meat helmet
Meat helmet removed. Bear is lunging towards it!
> throw meat helmet
Where? Bear tackles you to the ground!
> panic
You promptly shit your pants.
You have been eaten by a bear.
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Sparky: How do I get prod credentials?
Milo: You don’t.
Sparky: Huh?
Milo: You need a keyfob.
Milo: Okay. First you put on meat helmet. Then you go into bear pit.
Sparky: Okay. Now what?
Milo: Then you fight bear.
Bear: Hph.


#131

The Output Problem



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Spokesman: Soylent optimized our human experience, replacing the inconvenience of food with pure chalky, vanilla-scented productivity. Our office-integrated hydroshock shower can clean an entire workforce in under 45 seconds.
Spokesman: Saving you minutes a week with only slightly increased chance of embolism.
Voice from crowd: What about excretion?
Spokesman: We’re still working on it, but we had the boys in the lab whip up a new prototype.
The Spokesman moves from behind the podium, revealing that he is wearing giant pants that are laden with jars and hoses.
Spokesman: You would not believe what I can do in these pants.


#132

Ranting about Markup



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Look, Spring and XSLT have gone a long way to show that programming in XML is a nightmare.
So then Ansible comes along and asks us to configure our servers using Yet Another Markup Language, even though Ansible is just Python, under the hood. The problem with XML wasn’t that it was too verbose. It was that it was a markup language!
The minute you find yourself writing a loop, or - heaven forfend - a conditional in a markup language, that’s it. Game over. It’s time to give up and become a remote mountain hermit.


#133

VR Setup Instructions



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For room scale VR with the Vive, you will need a space at least two metres wide.
Place the lighthouses 5 meters apart, pointed at 35 degrees. Your GPU shader buffer must be set from “anisotropic” to “apocrypha”.
The headset unit will blink white if the setup ritual has succeeded, at which point it will pulsate with maddening intensity.
You will need to update the firmware. Use the enclosed packet of goat’s blood to paint a sigil to Ha’Atu the all-seeing.

Cube Drone, his eyes bleeding, with a VR headset on: It’s… so beautiful.