Cube Drone


#132

Ranting about Markup



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Look, Spring and XSLT have gone a long way to show that programming in XML is a nightmare.
So then Ansible comes along and asks us to configure our servers using Yet Another Markup Language, even though Ansible is just Python, under the hood. The problem with XML wasn’t that it was too verbose. It was that it was a markup language!
The minute you find yourself writing a loop, or - heaven forfend - a conditional in a markup language, that’s it. Game over. It’s time to give up and become a remote mountain hermit.


#133

VR Setup Instructions



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For room scale VR with the Vive, you will need a space at least two metres wide.
Place the lighthouses 5 meters apart, pointed at 35 degrees. Your GPU shader buffer must be set from “anisotropic” to “apocrypha”.
The headset unit will blink white if the setup ritual has succeeded, at which point it will pulsate with maddening intensity.
You will need to update the firmware. Use the enclosed packet of goat’s blood to paint a sigil to Ha’Atu the all-seeing.

Cube Drone, his eyes bleeding, with a VR headset on: It’s… so beautiful.


#134

A Problem As Old As Forums



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(on slack)
cube drone: ha ha lol butts
sparky: peach emoji
miloslav: off topic, you guys - take it to #random
cube drone: hey, this is a #marketing level discussion at least
lain: I bet that people have been arguing about topic relevance for eons
lain: uploaded an image: a Roman senator saying “by Jupiter! This belongs in the Democracy forum, not in the Justice forum!”
xyzzy: ha.
cube drone: what about #random, did the ancient romans have something like that?
lain: uploaded an image: the Roman coliseum


#135

The Only Way To Be Sure




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Sparky: Could you help me out? I just can’t seem to get git to produce a completely clean environment.
Warbeard types: git reset --hard HEAD; git clean -fdx
Sparky: Ok, cool.
Sparky: What’s that for?
Warbeard is holding a gas can.

final frame: Warbeard is standing in front of a flaming wreckage.


#136

Post-Mortem



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Melissa: So, post-mortem for last night’s outage. I’ve contacted the vendor and they’ve promised to push a hotfix soon.But I have a different solution. Walt - take this card. On the card is an address. Take this package to the address. Then run.
Walt: I was almost convicted of domestic terrorism after that glitter bomb you had me deliver, Mel.
Melissa: It’s not glitter.
Walt: What is it, then?
Melissa: Glitter and bees!


#137

The Gates of Team Building, Shiny and Chrome



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Cube Drone: Our team building exercise is just a picnic? Laaame.
Sparky: Oh - I guess you wouldn’t know - Walt can get a bit … uh… competitive.

Laser Tag - Winter 2015: Walt has his foot on Sparky’s chest, a laser tag gun pointed right between his eyes.
Walt: You feel lucky, punk?
Go Karts - Summer 2015: Walt has spraypainted his mouth silver.
Walt: Witness Me!


#138

My Personality Has A First Name



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Walt: Has everybody got their Meyer-Brigg test results?
Lain: Yeah. I’m an “ICC”. Introspective Cold-Cut. I like quiet walks and America’s Favourite Bologna.
Milo: I’m a Justicar-Thinky-Thick-Carved-Ham.
Warbeard: Mine just says “Probable Arsonist”
Lain: Walt, I am concerned that you may have cheaped out on the personality tests.
Walt: Eh, it’s not any less scientific this way.


#139

Vulnerability



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Warbeard is at a conference, walking by an un-manned table with a computer and banner that reads:
“Max.secure, your security API in the cloud! Now with: single sign on… cryptography…”
Warbeard: Hmm…
In the third panel, Warbeard has taken the computer.


#140

Encapsulation









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Morpheus: npm installs per-project dependencies, isolating environments.
Morpheus: in order to deploy in a reproducible way, we use Docker containers, which load the environment into a chrooted virtual environment that simulates an operating system.
Morpheus: Docker must be run from a Linux distribution, so we run it from Vagrant and VirtualBox, which wraps our Docker containers in another virtual operating system when running on non-Linux operating systems, including Os X.
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this there is no going back.
(Morpheus holds out two pills, one red, one blue.)
Morpheus: You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the virtualization rabbit hole goes.
Morpheus: You take the blue pi-hey!
(Cube Drone has already taken the blue pill.)
Cube Drone eats the blue pill.
Cube Drone makes a rude gesture.
Cube Drone fades away, while still making the rude gesture.


#141

Docker? I Barely Knew 'Er



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Melissa: Each Docker container should just run one process.
Cube Drone: But these containers are hundreds of megabytes each! We’ll run out of disk space before long!
Melissa: Now you understand why the Docker logo is a whale that is also a cargo ship.


#142

A Thrill A Minute



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Cube Drone does nothing for three panels.
“The exciting world of startups”.


#143

The Law Offices of Cease & Desist



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Sparky: You have to check out this sweet game I built!
Sparky: It’s called The Copyright Violatrix! You and Mickey Mouse fight off the cast of Friends while Beatles songs play.
Sparky: This is going to be so popular! I wonder why more people haven’t thought of this!
Cube Drone is rolling his eyes


#144

Cryptamory



This would be a good time to bring up James Mickens’ hilarious article on security.

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Miloslav: You can use public and private keys for more than just Git and SSH, you know. If you have someone’s public key, you can send them a message that only they can read.
Sparky: But then how do you know which public keys you can trust? Any key could be anybody!
Miloslav: I went to a key-signing party, once. I came with a cryptographic key and left with somebody’s wife. She didn’t want to do GPG stuff at all.


#145

Virtual Insanity



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Every Kind of VR Game:

  1. Stuff that would be boring in real life.
    Cube Drone: Wow! It’s like I’m really playing Billiards!
  2. Weird fetish stuff
    Cube Drone, standing next to a man wearing a cat head and leather gimp suit.
    Cube Drone: I’m not sure what ‘cat-kin group cuddles’ means, but I feel like I have made a mistake in coming here.
  3. Games with motion
    A space ship: Space, the final BLEUUUGH

#146

Master/Slave

Free the slaves! Hey, you, get away from our production servers.

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Cube Drone: Look, Master-Slave is still a shitty naming scheme for distributed systems that makes light of some very real horrors.
Miloslav: That is the way it has always been. Why make waves?
Cube Drone: Let’s imagine that instead of a garbage collector, we had a process called “brutal dictator” and it rounded up all of your program’s unfit memory to be shot. Would that be okay?
Miloslav: In this situation it is best to keep your mouth shut, convert your hryvnia into rubles, and flee the country.
Cube Drone: We are still talking about programming!


#147

Tone Deaf



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The CEO, Miloslav, and Lain are sitting at a “Women in Technology” panel.
CEO: Of course - our company is a great place for women to work. It’s a complete meritocracy, so everybody has an equal chance to succeed - even our two women!
Lain: Actually, it’s
CEO: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out of time. We’re going to have to get back to you.
CEO: Hey, cheer up. At least we remembered to invite you this year.


#148

Cyberpunk 2016



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Cyberpunk 2016 Guy: I’ve got to VR into the Cyberverse before the deckers can crypto through my firewall!
Actual 2016 Guy: Damn these Chinese IPs and their automated vulnerability scanning, they’re filling my logs with garbage!
Actual 2016 Guy: Also I think someone on the bus is doing some kind of Shadowrun cosplay.
Cyberpunk 2016 Guy: I’m gonna hack the Gibson!


#149

The Long, Long Con






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Step 1: Invent an as-yet unheard of Unix variant from the 1960’s.
Melissa: I shall call it… Mel-OS
Step 2: Go to a university website and select a particularly crusty old computing science professor. Generate a GitHub profile using this professor’s name.
Step 3: Using a combination of Photoshop and some basic web publishing tools, fabricate an elaborate backstory for this OS, including fake academic research papers, under the professor’s name.
Step 4: Issue dozens of pull requests to high-profile open-source projects claiming to add Mel-OS compatibility. Each pull request one more link in an elaborate chain that, when invoked together, finally activates the viral payload.
Times Square, New Years’ Eve: A giant banner is displayed with a picture of Milo, reading “I slept with your wife. Call me. I fight you. 1-788-555-9831”
Milo, to Melissa: Why?
Melissa: You didn’t refill the coffee after you poured the last cup.
Milo: This is not a proportionate response!


#150

HTTP Status Codes



I’m really looking to corner the market on HTTP status code based humor, but I’m not the only game in town.

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200 OK
271 Great!
2.99 Hot Dog w/ Relish

301 Moved permanently
302 See 303
303 See 301
307 Moved temporarily
309 Relocated to San Jose
311 Moved emotionally

304 Cached
344 The real HTTP response was friendship all along
348 Hidden, but badly enough to find easily
350 Purchased by Google in 2012. Purpose unknown.
372 Purchased by Yahoo in 2003. Mismanaged into obscurity.

400 You dun’ fucked up.
401 Credentials missing
403 No, dammit
404 Not found
405 Method not allowed
406 Unacceptable!
410 Just went out for a bit to buy smokes - back any day now
418 Teapot (self-explanatory)
429 Cool your jets
431 Your request is too damn big!
451 Your government has deemed this resource a threat to security.
458 Request too sexy

500 Something bad and unexpected happened.
501 Didn’t finish building this bit.
502 NGINX broke
503 Servers currently very on fire
504 Not sure if 502 or 503
505+ Programmers broken


#151

Bug Bestiary



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Bug Types: Beezlebug

The greatest trick the Beezlebug ever pulled was convincing the world it didn’t exist.

Notes: While our users are certain the Beezlebug exists, they are unable to provide proof. May be imaginary, like the SaaSquatch or the Deadlock-ness Monster.

Mating Habits: Can not reproduce.