Cube Drone

cube_drone 2017-01-06 20:33:28 UTC #133

VR Setup Instructions

I live in a very small apartment and this turned out to be really difficult
it actually took a lot of effort to get the Vive running. the little Steam peeps didn't help as much as I would have hoped.
HTC accepts no responsibility should you accidentally summon an intra-dimensional chaos god, ushering in a new dark age for humanity.

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For room scale VR with the Vive, you will need a space at least two metres wide.
Place the lighthouses 5 meters apart, pointed at 35 degrees. Your GPU shader buffer must be set from "anisotropic" to "apocrypha".
The headset unit will blink white if the setup ritual has succeeded, at which point it will pulsate with maddening intensity.
You will need to update the firmware. Use the enclosed packet of goat's blood to paint a sigil to Ha'Atu the all-seeing.

Cube Drone, his eyes bleeding, with a VR headset on: It's... so beautiful.

cube_drone 2017-01-06 20:37:21 UTC #134

A Problem As Old As Forums

#random is the /dev/null of Slack channels
A funny thing happened on the way to the forum
an image link joke

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(on slack)
cube drone: ha ha lol butts
sparky: peach emoji
miloslav: off topic, you guys - take it to #random
cube drone: hey, this is a #marketing level discussion at least
lain: I bet that people have been arguing about topic relevance for eons
lain: uploaded an image: a Roman senator saying "by Jupiter! This belongs in the Democracy forum, not in the Justice forum!"
xyzzy: ha.
cube drone: what about #random, did the ancient romans have something like that?
lain: uploaded an image: the Roman coliseum

cube_drone 2017-01-06 20:40:21 UTC #135

The Only Way To Be Sure

now hand me your passport
uh, okay, here you go
why is it made out of glitter and macaroni?
long story

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Sparky: Could you help me out? I just can't seem to get git to produce a completely clean environment.
Warbeard types: git reset --hard HEAD; git clean -fdx
Sparky: Ok, cool.
Sparky: What's that for?
Warbeard is holding a gas can.

final frame: Warbeard is standing in front of a flaming wreckage.

cube_drone 2017-01-06 20:43:16 UTC #136

Post-Mortem

different is subtly highlighted in red
bzzzzzzzzz
don't worry, this is in their SLA. if their service goes down, we get to ship them a box full of glitter and angry bees.

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Melissa: So, post-mortem for last night's outage. I've contacted the vendor and they've promised to push a hotfix soon.But I have a different solution. Walt - take this card. On the card is an address. Take this package to the address. Then run.
Walt: I was almost convicted of domestic terrorism after that glitter bomb you had me deliver, Mel.
Melissa: It's not glitter.
Walt: What is it, then?
Melissa: Glitter and bees!

cube_drone 2017-01-06 20:45:50 UTC #137

The Gates of Team Building, Shiny and Chrome

I don't know what your problem is, picnics are the shit
once again, this universe exists in a weird sort of comic time where Sparky can be on an 8-month co-op for multiple years
A lot of my recent comics have had violence as the punchline. I'm going to try to tone that down a little and focus more on hijinx. Lojinx. Various jinxes.

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Cube Drone: Our team building exercise is just a picnic? Laaame.
Sparky: Oh - I guess you wouldn't know - Walt can get a bit ... uh... competitive.

Laser Tag - Winter 2015: Walt has his foot on Sparky's chest, a laser tag gun pointed right between his eyes.
Walt: You feel lucky, punk?
Go Karts - Summer 2015: Walt has spraypainted his mouth silver.
Walt: Witness Me!

cube_drone 2017-01-06 20:49:30 UTC #138

My Personality Has A First Name

The hidden joke in here is that it's an Oscar Meyer - Brigg personality test, rather than a Myers-Briggs personality test. And, because Oscar Meyer is a meat company, they all get... okay, you get it, I'll shut up
Or a JTTCH
One of my longest-standing pet peeves is the office personality test. It's meaningless office-astrology. It's also the subject of the second-ever Cube Drone comic, which now sits in the Secret Archives

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Walt: Has everybody got their Meyer-Brigg test results?
Lain: Yeah. I'm an "ICC". Introspective Cold-Cut. I like quiet walks and America's Favourite Bologna.
Milo: I'm a Justicar-Thinky-Thick-Carved-Ham.
Warbeard: Mine just says "Probable Arsonist"
Lain: Walt, I am concerned that you may have cheaped out on the personality tests.
Walt: Eh, it's not any less scientific this way.

cube_drone 2017-01-06 20:52:25 UTC #139

Vulnerability

i'm never going to give you up, OR let you down. (actually I plan to do both)
there's one important kind of security that they forgot
if you have physical access, all of the rest of the security is pretty meaningless

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Warbeard is at a conference, walking by an un-manned table with a computer and banner that reads:
"Max.secure, your security API in the cloud! Now with: single sign on... cryptography..."
Warbeard: Hmm...
In the third panel, Warbeard has taken the computer.

cube_drone 2017-01-06 21:02:28 UTC #140

Encapsulation

don't check in your node_modules, dammit
it's actually a nice way to wrap all of your dependencies up into a single bin, and docker does some supervisord-like hacks to keep your container running
so now we're running npm in Docker in a VM
can you tell that I really liked the Matrix?
did you know that 'the red pill' is also a reddit community filled with lady-haters?
fuck you blue pill
fuuuck yooooooou
nobody's ever taken the blue pill before. I don't know what to do. he's unconscious.
i don't know. cut out his kidneys I guess?

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Morpheus: npm installs per-project dependencies, isolating environments.
Morpheus: in order to deploy in a reproducible way, we use Docker containers, which load the environment into a chrooted virtual environment that simulates an operating system.
Morpheus: Docker must be run from a Linux distribution, so we run it from Vagrant and VirtualBox, which wraps our Docker containers in another virtual operating system when running on non-Linux operating systems, including Os X.
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this there is no going back.
(Morpheus holds out two pills, one red, one blue.)
Morpheus: You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the virtualization rabbit hole goes.
Morpheus: You take the blue pi-hey!
(Cube Drone has already taken the blue pill.)
Cube Drone eats the blue pill.
Cube Drone makes a rude gesture.
Cube Drone fades away, while still making the rude gesture.

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:30:16 UTC #141

Docker? I Barely Knew 'Er

this is actually pretty contentious in the Docker community - running a working 'operating system' while just keeping one process alive is actually probably impossible, so some more practical Docker containers boot up a few background processes as well
if you produce a container after every build, you're likely to generate many, many gigabytes of containers
it takes up a lot of space is what I'm saying

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Melissa: Each Docker container should just run one process.
Cube Drone: But these containers are hundreds of megabytes each! We'll run out of disk space before long!
Melissa: Now you understand why the Docker logo is a whale that is also a cargo ship.

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:32:09 UTC #142

A Thrill A Minute

in this frame, nothing happens

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Cube Drone does nothing for three panels.
"The exciting world of startups".

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:34:52 UTC #143

The Law Offices of Cease & Desist

oh no
in the background, Luke Skywalker and Indiana Jones work together to crack the international format protection on their Sony Playstation
I'm going to see about doing a press junket! NBC is going to be super interested in what's going on here.

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Sparky: You have to check out this sweet game I built!
Sparky: It's called The Copyright Violatrix! You and Mickey Mouse fight off the cast of Friends while Beatles songs play.
Sparky: This is going to be so popular! I wonder why more people haven't thought of this!
Cube Drone is rolling his eyes

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:38:54 UTC #144

Cryptamory

this is literally what they were designed for
sparky discovers the problem with public-key crypto
Milo, I think what you went to might have been a key party

This would be a good time to bring up James Mickens' hilarious article on security.

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Miloslav: You can use public and private keys for more than just Git and SSH, you know. If you have someone's public key, you can send them a message that only they can read.
Sparky: But then how do you know which public keys you can trust? Any key could be anybody!
Miloslav: I went to a key-signing party, once. I came with a cryptographic key and left with somebody's wife. She didn't want to do GPG stuff at all.

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:41:55 UTC #145

Virtual Insanity

a lot of my comic titles are actually song lyrics or song titles. if you can tell me exactly how many, with references, I will immediately give you access to the Secret Archives
a sexy mistake
you might be able to tell that I was briefly really excited by wearables and now I'm really excited by VR. I wonder what the next technology to disappoint me will be

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Every Kind of VR Game:
1. Stuff that would be boring in real life.
Cube Drone: Wow! It's like I'm really playing Billiards!
2. Weird fetish stuff
Cube Drone, standing next to a man wearing a cat head and leather gimp suit.
Cube Drone: I'm not sure what 'cat-kin group cuddles' means, but I feel like I have made a mistake in coming here.
3. Games with motion
A space ship: Space, the final BLEUUUGH

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:43:05 UTC #146

Master/Slave

Free the slaves! Hey, you, get away from our production servers.

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Cube Drone: Look, Master-Slave is still a shitty naming scheme for distributed systems that makes light of some very real horrors.
Miloslav: That is the way it has always been. Why make waves?
Cube Drone: Let's imagine that instead of a garbage collector, we had a process called "brutal dictator" and it rounded up all of your program's unfit memory to be shot. Would that be okay?
Miloslav: In this situation it is best to keep your mouth shut, convert your hryvnia into rubles, and flee the country.
Cube Drone: We are still talking about programming!

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:46:38 UTC #147

Tone Deaf

I tried to choose the worst possible logo for this event, as well
I guess CEO is alive? dang.
i think 'wump' would have been a better sound effect here

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The CEO, Miloslav, and Lain are sitting at a "Women in Technology" panel.
CEO: Of course - our company is a great place for women to work. It's a complete meritocracy, so everybody has an equal chance to succeed - even our two women!
Lain: Actually, it's
CEO: Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of time. We're going to have to get back to you.
CEO: Hey, cheer up. At least we remembered to invite you this year.

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:49:35 UTC #148

Cyberpunk 2016

yes, this is just a reprint of a comic from last year with new text. I apologize for nothing.
you can filter this out at the CDN firewall level
he's still gonna hack that gibson

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Cyberpunk 2016 Guy: I've got to VR into the Cyberverse before the deckers can crypto through my firewall!
Actual 2016 Guy: Damn these Chinese IPs and their automated vulnerability scanning, they're filling my logs with garbage!
Actual 2016 Guy: Also I think someone on the bus is doing some kind of Shadowrun cosplay.
Cyberpunk 2016 Guy: I'm gonna hack the Gibson!

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:54:20 UTC #149

The Long, Long Con

this is a real elaborate and very silly plan
i shall become you, mister crankschlatz
creating a fake operating system is probably much easier than you'd imagine
the real problem is that none of these projects will accept the pull requests, but let's pretend that this is not an actual issue
this is a good prank
too far? or not too far enough?

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Step 1: Invent an as-yet unheard of Unix variant from the 1960's.
Melissa: I shall call it... Mel-OS
Step 2: Go to a university website and select a particularly crusty old computing science professor. Generate a GitHub profile using this professor's name.
Step 3: Using a combination of Photoshop and some basic web publishing tools, fabricate an elaborate backstory for this OS, including fake academic research papers, under the professor's name.
Step 4: Issue dozens of pull requests to high-profile open-source projects claiming to add Mel-OS compatibility. Each pull request one more link in an elaborate chain that, when invoked together, finally activates the viral payload.
Times Square, New Years' Eve: A giant banner is displayed with a picture of Milo, reading "I slept with your wife. Call me. I fight you. 1-788-555-9831"
Milo, to Melissa: Why?
Melissa: You didn't refill the coffee after you poured the last cup.
Milo: This is not a proportionate response!

cube_drone 2017-01-06 22:56:34 UTC #150

HTTP Status Codes

that's not a bad price for a hot dog with relish
-41 SIT BY A LAKE
so sexy it hurts

I'm really looking to corner the market on HTTP status code based humor, but I'm not the only game in town.

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200 OK
271 Great!
2.99 Hot Dog w/ Relish

301 Moved permanently
302 See 303
303 See 301
307 Moved temporarily
309 Relocated to San Jose
311 Moved emotionally

304 Cached
344 The real HTTP response was friendship all along
348 Hidden, but badly enough to find easily
350 Purchased by Google in 2012. Purpose unknown.
372 Purchased by Yahoo in 2003. Mismanaged into obscurity.

400 You dun' fucked up.
401 Credentials missing
403 No, dammit
404 Not found
405 Method not allowed
406 Unacceptable!
410 Just went out for a bit to buy smokes - back any day now
418 Teapot (self-explanatory)
429 Cool your jets
431 Your request is too damn big!
451 Your government has deemed this resource a threat to security.
458 Request too sexy

500 Something bad and unexpected happened.
501 Didn't finish building this bit.
502 NGINX broke
503 Servers currently very on fire
504 Not sure if 502 or 503
505+ Programmers broken

cube_drone 2017-01-06 23:02:13 UTC #151

Bug Bestiary

the name alone deserves a whole panel
There are some philosophers who used to insist that ol' Nessie is real, but I think they all starved to death.
ba dum tsh

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Bug Types: Beezlebug

The greatest trick the Beezlebug ever pulled was convincing the world it didn't exist.

Notes: While our users are certain the Beezlebug exists, they are unable to provide proof. May be imaginary, like the SaaSquatch or the Deadlock-ness Monster.

Mating Habits: Can not reproduce.

cube_drone 2017-01-06 23:04:53 UTC #152

How it Feels to Learn Cookery in 10,000 BCE

in this analogy, just putting raw meat in your mouth is PHP
How it feels to learn cookery in 10,000 BCE
use hot rock considered harmful
mmm, flavor leaf
I think it's possible that the Paleo diet might be complete bullshit
now that I've made this analogy, I get to read hundreds of angry Ruby developers going 'but what if the tools you used to cook the meat changed every six weeks' as they try to construct progressively more and more tortured analogies involving complicated rotisseries and meat repositories

You might consider this a rebuttal to a previous comic I did, although it's also about an article which makes fun of Javascript and references an earlier article that made fun of Docker.

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Og: Og want to eat meat. Just put in mouth, right?
Uk: No! Use fire! Cook meat!
Og: Fire hot! How I not burn hands?
Uk: Use pointy stick! Or use hot rock! Or keep fire in box!
Og: Too many choices! How I pick?
Uk: Dunno
Og: Ok, meat on fire! Now eat, right?
Uk: No! Wait! Let cook! Then add salt rock and flavor leaf!
Og: So in order to eat meat, I need fire and stick and wait and rock and leaf? I just eat meat raw, stupid. Mmmf!
An Og-Like Man, 12016 years later: And that's why I think that modern Javascript is too complicated.