A graph with both axes marked "time(h)". The graph is not linear, as you might expect, but curved. "Another success at the time travel corporation."
Cube Drone is working on a project. Attempt 3: Fail. Attempt 14: Fail.Cube Drone: Breathe deeply. You are getting paid. Calm down. You must not get frustrated. Frustration is the mind killer. You can't tie your self-worthto the success of your software career. Adequate documentation is unreasonable to expect from internally developed software. Exercise your calm.Attemps 36, 37, and 38: Fail, fail, fail.Walt: Hey there, buddy. Where's your laptop?Cube Drone: Oh, hey there, Walt! Definitely I didn't smash it with a hammer. Not me. No sirree.
Lain: Have you noticed that Sparky's been going out of his way to mention he's doing Crossfit, like, all the time?Cube Drone: Uh... no? |Sparky: Guys - I have to skip team building. I have another team to work with. My sweet delts. shoulder flex |Cube Drone is reading a text from Sparky: p.s. crossfit btw
Tuckman's Four Stages of Team Development:1. Forming (three characters standing together)2. Storming (one of the three characters says something mean)3. Norming... wait, no, I think that still might be storming. (one of the three characters is angrily pointing, another has his arms out aggressively)4. Still storming, but we'll get through this any minute now. (the two fighting characters are much closer now, and the third is sneaking out of frame)5. sigh. Additional storming. (a fistfight has broken out, and the third character is holding a printer above his head)6. The storming has proceeded much longer than expected. ( Two remaining characters walking away from a dumpster with an arm sticking out of it. )
Cube Drone: Come on, build, no whammies, no whammies, you can do it. |Melissa: Wait, shouldn't you be able to run the whole build locally and know that your build passes before you commit anything? |Cube Drone: Hey, do I tell you how to do your job?Melissa: Yes. Constantly.
RFC 2324But without a mug you'll be soreJust send it a WHEN it'll stop pouring, then your coffee will be on the floor
I wanted a beverage, hot.From an HTTP coffeebot.My coffee was spurned.An error returned:"418 I am a teapot"
Email from CEO to Dev:I want to assure you that we're taking the problems with the vendors' software seriously.
I've asked Walt to form a tiger team to start gathering feedback that we can use to ... |Cube Drone, looking at his phone: Ha ha. Tiger team! I remember that from old Dilbert cartoons. Does anybody even know what a tiger team is? |Cube Drone, looking around an empty office, with blood on the floor: Um... guys?
UI Corner with Lain: This is a hamburger menu. When you click on it, a proper menu will pop out with all of your app's actual navigation. |The term "Mystery Meat Navigation" refers to navigational elements that are a complete mystery until you click on them. |A hamburger element, like all hamburger, is mystery meat. You don't know what's in there. And it might give you butt cancer.
Cyberpunk 2015: A man wearing a triple-breasted suit with neon-colored hair and a robotic arm: I've got to jack in to the metagrid to protect my creds from 'dentahackers! |Actual 2015: A chubby man with a sports t-shirt and a smartphone: I've got to proxy to a server in California so that I can watch "The Office" on American Netflix |Chubby Man: Also I think someone on the bus is doing some kind of Shadowrun cosplay.
Walt: Ugh. We froze production a for a week and now the deployment is taking forever. There's a tonne of changes to push out. Somehow there is code in master that is not ready to be deployed.Melissa: That's why we keep our deployments regular. If we don't deploy every day our deployments get hard, strained, uncomfortable, and they take forever.Melissa: Come to think of it, we'd have the same problems if our office didn't have fiber.
This is a true story, unfortunately.
Cube Drone: Hoo. Finally home for the holidays. I don't have to deal with the family until tomorrow. Time to relax.Cube Drone: Yup. Relaxing. Relaxation. |Soon: Cube Drone is writing a comment on reddit: look, pickle in python is a bad long-term serialization solution for the following reasons: reason the first
Vim. Usable in just about every environment. Does one thing, well. (picture of a fixed-blade knife).Emacs. Flexible, customizable, and packed with just about every feature known to man. (picture of a Leatherman multitool).Nano. Mostly used by people who don't know what they're doing, or psychopaths.
Java ( a painting by Mondrian, all boxes and lines ),Perl ( a painting by Jackson Pollack, all splatters and colors),PHP ( Garfield, by Jim Davis )
This was a real thing that management did to us. I still have the book.
CEO: I've generously purchased each of you a copy of a book. I'd like to ask you to read it before our meeting on Friday.Cube Drone looks disapprovingly at a book.The cover: "Leading from Behind, Crack the Management Code", with a chart that looks suspiciously like a butt. |The same set-up again, but this time with a different book as the punchline:The cover: "Fifty Shades of Grey - E L James" |The same set-up again, but this time with a different book as the punchline:The cover: "Leo Tolstoy - War and Peace" |The same set-up again, but this time with a different book as the punchline:The cover: "Toyota Corolla Tercel 1980 thru 1982 Automotive Repair Manual" |The same set-up again, but this time with a different book as the punchline:The cover: A cheap looking screenplay. "Addiction to Danger. Screenplay by: CEO" |And finally the same set-up one more time, this time with a cut-out so the reader can put their own punchline in.
Walt: So, after a look at our customer's big data needs, how many servers do you think we're going to need to provision?Warbeard: Um... one?Walt: But they have thousands of customers and gigabytes of data. We're planning a whole orchestrated Hadoop cluster!Warbeard: A 1U blade server can be equipped with 800 Gigabytes of RAM and 24 cores for less than we charge for two weeks of consulting.Warbeard: We could fit all of the data our customer generates in 10 years on a blade without ever writing to disk.Walt: Hmm.Warbeard: I've seen that look on your face before. We should still write to disk. Non-negotiable.
The Ergodox Keyboard: A pretty normal keyboard, but split at the center.The Kinesis Advantage: A very large keyboard with a bowl for each hand and a panel of controls under each thumb.The Das Kinemax Pro Code RGB Premium Mechanical Edition: A ridiculously large keyboard with a split layout, a foot pedal, a joystick, glowing red, green, and blue buttons, a dial, a spoiler, and nitrous.
CEO: Every ticket in our system is high priority! We need a new, even higher priority in order to communicate which tickets are most important!Walt: Why not just use the existing low and medium priority settings?CEO: Nothing is medium priority! Everything I want you to do is important!Years Later: CEO: Every ticket in our system is super double infinity X2 critical priority! We need a new, even higher...
The crew are carrying travel gear like backpacks and bags.Walt: Man, this kickoff is going to be great! Did you all read that book the CEO bought us? I hear he's lined up a talk from the author!Cube Drone: The one with the graph on the cover that looked like a butt?Cube Drone: Oh yeah! I totally read it. I am going to agile managementize the hell out of my paradigms.Lain: I actually read it and it was hot garbage from end to end.Milo: I found the book very useful. It is cold in my cabin this time of year.Sparky: We got a book?Soon:Windy Pillows is talking in front of a crowd.Windy: I am being paid handsomely to be here. Let's look at some stock photography while I read to you from my book.A Venn Diagram that looks like a butt.A series of arrows that look like a butt.A slide selling his next book, "Agile Software Systems" with another butt on the cover.Windy: As you can see, I spend a lot of my time thinking about Agile.
CEO: Thanks for attending this year's kickoff, everyone! This year, we're gearing up to deliver a lot more process. I plan to increase story production by 100%!CEO: In order to look busy, we've been working hard on a departmental reorganization, so if the devs could come up to the podium one at a time for the sorting ceremony...Soon: Cube Drone is wearing a Harry Potter Sorting Hat. It says "Product".
Earlier:Milo (holding a pile of cash): Everybody get your bets in for the CEO Kickoff Keynote Betting Pool.At the keynote:CEO: This is the year that our product finally earns its first nine of reliability, so say goodbye to your evenings, weekends, and any non-ops loved ones.CEO: Innovation. Velocity. Profit. Opportunity. Profitunity. Enterprise. Scalability. 100%. Thought leader.Cube Drone is holding on to a laptop, which has displayed on it: Miloslav Betting Website: Cube Drone, for $100 - CEO's Keynote will contain Bad News, Buzzwords, and ProfitCEO: Here is a number. That number could be the amount of money our shareholders will make in 2017! Woo! Yeah!Cube Drone: Yeah!CEO: I like your enthusiasm.