Cube Drone


#21

Conference Talks - shrimp.js



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First frame: (Cube Drone is giving a presentation)
| Cube Drone: Before I begin my talk, I’d like to draw some attention to the gentleman with the red hat in the third row, who was right in front of me at lunch.
| Second frame: (On the presentation screen is a picture of a man in a red hat, holding a shrimp with some tongs.)
| Cube Drone: Pictured here, carefully, with surgical precision, taking every last shrimp from the shrimp and noodle tray.
| Third frame: (Cube drone is visibly angry)
| Cube Drone: You violated a social contract and left naught but a bereft, shrimpless mass of noodles in your wake. For shame.


#22

Conference Talks - Sparky’s First Talk



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The only three presentations that junior programmers ever give:
| First frame: (Sparky stands on a podium, giving a presentation) ‘Unit Testing: How Does it Work?’,
| Second frame: ‘Code Style: Tabs vs Spaces vs Neither, Where to Put The Curly Brace, The More Trivial the Better’,
| Third frame: ‘Why My Code is Self Documenting, But Your Code Needs Comments, Examples, a Glossary and a Tutorial’


#23

Conference Talks - The Bad Presenter



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A chubby man is delivering a presentation.
| First frame: I’m just going to need a moment to get this Powerpoint '02 file to open on the presentation MacBook,
| Second frame: Oh no, my demo seems to require VPN access. Let’s get that going.
| Third frame: My podium has gone astray


#24

Conference Talks - You Talkin’ Bout My Pipes?



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Miloslav is delivering a presentation.
| First frame: Let’s talk about the Gulp build tool. A lot of you Javascripters are discovering that it is a lot more efficient to pass data from task to task rather than writing to disk between each step.
| Second frame: Or Akka Actors in Scala. Concurrency sure is simpler to manage with non-shared memory and immutable messages, huh? Ok, with that, let’s begin.
| Third frame: (He waves at his presentation title) Processes & Pipes: They’ve been in Unix for like 40 goddamn years.


#25

Texting in the Rain



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First frame: Walt, texting to Cube Drone: How is the conference going? Are you guys having fun?
| Second frame: Cube drone, in the rain: Agh, this capacitative touch screen is not handling the rain well.
| Third frame: Walt, reading the response from Cube Drone: Yeah its totalln awesomr wert having a grrr flrgmbbbbb


#26

Conference Talks - Everybody Hates PowerPoint



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First frame: Woman: I’m not using slides, so if you could follow along in my text editor…
| Second frame: Man: My slides are just one giant image, so I’m going to scroll around as I talk.
| Third frame: Greasier-looking man: You’re all holding a printed version of my slides, which also double as a flipbook.
| Fourth frame: Nerd: My slides are projected on to a four-dimensional tesseract.


#27

The Blame Game



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Walt: Gentlemen, we had an hour-long service outage last night,
and I want to know why.
| Warbeard: It was dev!
| Cube Drone: It was QA!
| Sparky: It was OPS!
| Warbeard, Sparky, and Cube Drone are all pointing at one another.
| Cube Drone: It would appear we have a mexican standup on our hands.


#28

The Curse of the Senior



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Miloslav’s first day as a senior developer:
Miloslav: Wonderful, I’ll just open my text editor and co…
Walt: Milo! Could you look over these resumes?
| Miloslav’s 183rd day as a senior developer:
Miloslav: Finally! A chance to get my hands on some code!
Walt: Hey, about those estimates…
| Today:
Miloslav (anguished): For the love of god, jut let me code!
Walt: I hate to bother you, but the investors want to see a demo.


#29

Merry Coding



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Cube Drone: Can I get a couple of days off around Christmas?
| Walt: Sure. Truth be told, this place is a total ghost town on the 24th. Except for Milo. God knows what he gets up to.
| Christmas Eve: Milo is sitting in his office, with a tiny tree and
lights strung up.
Milo: Finally, peace and quiet. I’m gonna get so much work done.


#30

New Years’ Eve






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Happy New Year!
The whole team is standing around on a roof. Walt is holding champagne.
POP
Walt: A toast!
| Walt: To a team who can handle just about anything!
| Xyzzy (remoting in, on a phone): To working from home!
| Lain: To long life and short line lengths!
| Miloslav: To failing fast while you can
| Warbeard: And failing gracefully at 3AM
| Cube-Drone: And to never hardcoding the year into anything!
| Everyone but Sparky: Cheers!
| Sparky: shit.


#33

Office Space



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Walt: Before we start searching for a new office, let’s write down some priorities.
| 15 Minutes Later: A whiteboard filled with options.

  • Quiet: 7 pts
  • Coffee: 5 pts
  • Don’t Want to Sit Next to Sparky: 3 pts
  • Fortifiable (In Case of Zombies): 1 pt
  • Beige
  • Hot Tub: 2 pts
  • Treehouse: 1 pt
    | Walt: I think we can work with this.

#34

The Ideal Office



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Lain: I’ve made a sketch of an office floorplan that meets most of our requirements.
| a nice, spacious floorplan with an eating area, soft seating, private offices, and a water feature
| Walt: Nice!
| Lain: Do you think we’ll find a place like this?
| Walt: Gods no.


#35

Looking for a Soul to Steal

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In the office:
Lain: These commercial property websites are terrible. We might need…
Cube Drone: Don’t say it!
Lain: A property developer.
| Elsewhere, a red-haired woman with a blazer and leather boots.
| She looks up. “I’m needed somewhere. I can smell it.”


#36

Passing the Bechdel Test



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In Lain’s office:
Lain: Who are you? And what are you doing in my office?
| Red-Haired Woman: Shh shh shh… we just need to have a conversation that’s not about men.
| (Hugging) Lain: I am not super comfortable right now.
| Red-Haired Woman: This is nice.


#37

Dank Pits and the Nerds Who Inhabit Them



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Red-Haired Woman: So, based on your appearance, I assume you’re looking for some sort of… dank pit, or dungeon?
| (Milo, Cube-Drone, and Walt look unimpressed) Walt: I’m not sure if that’s really the image we’re looking for.
| Red-Haired Woman: But, like, really fast internet, right?
| Walt: Oh definitely.


#38

Artistic Integrity



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A screenshot of a very depressing Google Analytics page, with one lonely user visiting cube-drone.com
| Cube Drone: Come on, man! Share the website with your friends! No, don’t go! Nooooooo!
| Soon: Walt: So, we’re cancelling the Office Move storyline.
And we’re going to really ramp up the pandering. Next week, we’re just going to make fun of PHP and Haskell.


#39

If Programming Languages Were Vehicles












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C would be a motorcycle. Popular with tinkerers and performance enthusiasts - who will tell you
that it is only dangerous if you don’t take the proper safety precautions, often while nursing
a fresh injury.
| PHP was your first car. It was really easy to get started with, and it was a great way to
get around. It had some … idiosyncrasies that made it a pain in the ass, sometimes,
but you still remember it fondly. “The ashtray smells like cheese.” “Yeah, it just does
that sometimes.”
| C++ is the same motorcycle from before, but with a fridge strapped to the top. You can
do anything you want, with fridgebike. It has every feature you will ever need - and
so easy to use! Fridgebike. Shh… fridgebike.
Haskell is an electric car. Everybody agrees that it is the technology of the future,
and yet, 20 years later, adoption is still niche. Proponents insist that it is
practical and easy to use, but it still has a perhaps-deserved reputation of being
a monumental pain in the ass.
| O’Caml is a solar car. Only ever seen in R&D departments and university campuses;
doesn’t work when it’s raining outside.
| Toyota knew that the trick to getting people to accept a new technology was to
anchor it to something old, reliable, popular, and awful, so the prius contained
an internal combustion engine. Scala.
Mumps is a 1966 Datsun Sunny. You’ve never heard of it, it’s half a century old, and if you hunt around, you
can still find people who depend on it. Sad, confused people.
| Nobody really likes Javascript, but a lot of people use it anyways because it’s everywhere and they don’t
have any other options. It’s a bus.
| Lisp isn’t a car. It’s the idea of a car. No, a collection of ideas.
A toolkit that you can use to imagineer a car of your very own! A mental framework.
It is popular with people who think that they are very good at designing their own vehicles
Assembly is still the only option in some environments. It’s also popular with some hobbyists for the romance and difficulty of it. Horse.
| C# is like a really nice car that’s tied to an enormous, unwieldy anchor.
| Walt shakes Cube Drone awake Walt: Wake up, you fell asleep watching conference videos again.
| Cube Drone obviously groggy: Perl is like getting hit by a truck.


#40

It’s Totally Automatic

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text Cube Drone: XYZZY, do you think we're ready to launch? XYZZY: I'm not sure about internationalization. Cube Drone: For an image widget? XYZZY: I agree. XYZZY: Have you talked to ops? Cube Drone: Yeah, I have. XYZZY: I'm not sure about internationalization. Cube Drone: Wait a minute. | (XYZZY is asleep in his own apartment)

#41

DROP TABLE

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Cube drone sitting at his desk, typing.
| Cube drone sitting at his desk, typing. The desk is a bit higher.
| Cube drone sitting at his desk, typing. The desk is much higher and Cubes is
visibly uncomfortable. “Guys, I think my standing desk is broken.”


#42

SQL Joke

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ALTER TABLE | DROP TABLE (Oh shiiiiit) | FLIP TABLE (Cube Drone flips his table over in anger)