Cube Drone


#43

Jar of Farts

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Resume: Bradley Dongcaptain,
Skills:

  • Myriad and Mysterious
  • Perl?
  • PowerPoint
  • Comunication
    Experiance:
  • Ham Foundry (the rest of the resume is blocked out)
    Cube Drone: This is terrible! At least he could have spellchecked. |
    Miloslav: You’re one to judge. Your resume was just scribbled on a napkin. |
    Walt: You just breathed your name into a jar and sent us the jar.

#44

ARPU Smells Like Money


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<CEO is standing in front of a chart, on a Google Hangout> CEO: This quarter, we’re seeing increases in our KPI, our ARPU, our CAPEX and our WAGYU. |
CEO: Money is up, anti-money is down, and we are on track to make a lot of money next quarter. |
Cube Drone: Oh wow. Inspiring.
Lain: Do you think if we worked harder we could make them even more money?


#45

Unpopular and Ungloved

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(Cube Drone and Lain are sitting in a park) Cube Drone: "I want to like the Apple Watch, but I’m afraid it’s going to be another Google Glass or Segway. |
Miloslav cruises up on a Segway, wearing a Google Glass, leaning on a Nintendo Power Glove: “Y’all just jealous”. |
Miloslav rolls off into the sunset. |
Cube Drone: Huh.


#46

Contradictions



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Re: Working from home; Cube Drone: What is this, 1992? I can be productive from home without a needless commute.
Also, think of all of the talent you could miss out on by only hiring locally.
| Re: Outsourcing; Cube Drone: The communication gap is just too big. You’ll never get the software quality that you
would with local employees.
| Re: Contradictions; Cube Drone: …


#47

Google Sunset



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Cube Drone: Did you hear? They’re shutting down Google Code.
| Sparky: Oh no! My Subversion projects!
| Cube Drone: God dammit, Sparky.
| Sparky: Aaaaaaaa!


#48

Hint Hint

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Miloslav: Hey, Cubes, have you noticed that ever since the company
has started paying for our lunches, we are way more productive?
| Cube Drone: Yes.
| they both look at the fourth wall


#49

Going Feral

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Working Remotely, Day 1: Xyzzy is wearing a fine suit.
| Working Remotely, Day 14, Xyzzy is in a stained t-shirt, with mussed hair and stubble.
| Working Remotely, Day 65, Xyzzy is in the forest, shirtless, holding a spear, yelling “I am the king of the forest!”


#50

User Interface Automation

<img src="//threepanel-oregon.s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/1X/89faedd6c0e5cf57f6867e1c58fb16ab5b43734f.png" width=“550” height=“750” title=“this is how I respond to most horrifying things”">

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Miloslav and Walt, talking in the kitchen |
Miloslav: Imagine being trapped in inky black quicksand up to your waist -
your hopeless struggle to claw yourself free only hastening your demise.
| They stare at one another
| Walt: So, you’re saying we shouldn’t build a suite of Selenium tests
for our app.


#51

Beowulf



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Walt: Don’t think of Apple as some kind of monster.
| Walt: No, think of it more like an amorphous beast with many voices
and opinions who absolutely controls your fate, that you can’t
reason or even communicate with. Which is why, in order to guard our
profitability, I have this shrine.
| Five pastel coloured candles in behind an early model iPod.


#52

Big Entrance

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Walt (to team): We’re all on time for standup, except for Cube Drone. He’s late.
| Cube Drone parachutes in: Ha ha! Parachute!
| Meanwhile, in reality: Cube Drone looking depressed on a city bus.


#53

Time and Tide Wait for No Man


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2015: Amazon Dash allows you to order Tide brand detergent with one button press.
| 2018: Detergent AI becomes self-aware. Humanity destroyed.
| 2020: Only freshness remains.


#54

Chime Identification

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fweep Cube Drone: Oh, that must be an incoming tweet!
| boo dweep Cube Drone: I must have an email!
| BWAAAAAAAAAMP Cube Drone: And that’s JIRA.


#55

Wearables From Other Companies



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Wearables from other companies:
| The Oracle watch weighs over 14 Kg and requires around-the-clock
maintenance; it still sells well to large companies because it
has the most features.
| Microsoft’s watch will be a commercial flop, but millions of
desktop users will briefly be flustered by Windows 11 defaulting
to “Watch mode”.
| Blackberry, hoping to deliver a compelling experience to
the business market, accidentally reinvented the pager.


#56

Mothers

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Cube Drone: Hooray! It’s that special time of year when social media teams
try to awkwardly shoehorn their products into Mother’s Day!
|
Dell: This Mother’s Day, give her the gift she’s always wanted - a
Dell PowerEdge M630 Blade Server! #rackmountyourlove2015
Starbucks: Nothing says love like a frank, open discussion about diversity
in the workplace #starbucks #racetogether
PBR: We know you’re going to need some #PBR this #mothersday. Family, amirite?
Wizards of the Coast: Seriously, we have a quota to meet, but nobody
thinks you should get your mother a #D&DPlayersGuide


#57

Progress

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Lain: Yeah! I did it!
| Cube Drone: That’s just an error message.
| Lain: Yes, but it is a different one! That’s progress!


#58

Unicornered



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Warbeard: So you’re here for the UI Designer role? Lots of… Photoshop, I guess?
Applicant: Actually, I imagined it would be more wireframing and InDesign.
| Miloslav: How would you reverse a linked list in C?
Warbeard: What’s the linux command to check file permissions?
Applicant: I… Uh…
| Later:
Walt: So he couldn’t even answer simple questions?
Miloslav: No.
Walt: Finding a decent UI designer is going to be way harder than I’d thought.


#59

Heart Healthy


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Cube Drone, showing Milo his watch: It has so many cool features - Tweets, calendaring - it can even tell my heart rate! |
Milo: Wait, that’s your heart rate?
Cube Drone: Yeah?
Milo: Your resting heart rate? |
Cube Drone, looking concerned, sitting in a doctor’s office.


#60

Survey Says

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Marketing Survey on a website.

  1. Salary Range: $150,000 or more.
  2. Gender: Female,
  3. How Did You Hear About Us: Radio Ad. |
    Cube Drone is frantically clicking the “Submit” button on a website. |
    A board room. A CEO is addressing a board meeting. CEO: “This very troubling demographic data shows that over 80% of our userbase are wealthy, radio-loving women who love artesanal cheeses and automotive magazines.”

#61

Openstack

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Walt: I think Cube Drone’s been modifying our architecture diagrams on our wiki. |
The second panel is a vast, sprawling architecture diagram marked ‘openstack’. Nodes include ‘insecure dev box with public facing ports’, ‘tinder’, ‘grinder’, ‘Miami Heat’, ‘Vancouver Symphony Orchestra’, ‘Keystone’, ‘Keystone Lite’, ‘Keystone XL’, ‘Castle Black’, and ‘Not Implemented Yet’. |
Milo: No, my friend. That is just what Openstack is like.


#62

Diplomatic Appraisal

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Walt: Hi! I’ve looked over the codebase, and it seems like it was written to be a quick-to-market prototype, which seems like it’s worked well for your company so far.
Translation: Your code is just shit. |
Walt: If your goal is still to get the MVP out the door as soon as possible, we can help you with that, but it might lead to some nasty surprises down the road.
Translation: We will do what you want, because you’re paying, but the result is on you. |
Walt: Some of our proposed changes might not seem like they’re necessary for an early release, but trust me - even a small investment in these things can save our butts down the road.
Translation: Some of the things you want to do will be impossible without a complete rewrite of this crap tornado.