Cube Drone


#103

Holy War



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Vim. Usable in just about every environment. Does one thing, well. (picture of a fixed-blade knife).
Emacs. Flexible, customizable, and packed with just about every feature known to man. (picture of a Leatherman multitool).
Nano. Mostly used by people who don’t know what they’re doing, or psychopaths.


Cube Drone B-Sides and Rarities
#104

Fine Art



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Java ( a painting by Mondrian, all boxes and lines ),
Perl ( a painting by Jackson Pollack, all splatters and colors),
PHP ( Garfield, by Jim Davis )


Cube Drone B-Sides and Rarities
#105

Variations on a Theme








This was a real thing that management did to us. I still have the book.

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CEO: I’ve generously purchased each of you a copy of a book. I’d like to ask you to read it before our meeting on Friday.
Cube Drone looks disapprovingly at a book.
The cover: “Leading from Behind, Crack the Management Code”, with a chart that looks suspiciously like a butt. |
The same set-up again, but this time with a different book as the punchline:
The cover: “Fifty Shades of Grey - E L James” |
The same set-up again, but this time with a different book as the punchline:
The cover: “Leo Tolstoy - War and Peace” |
The same set-up again, but this time with a different book as the punchline:
The cover: “Toyota Corolla Tercel 1980 thru 1982 Automotive Repair Manual” |
The same set-up again, but this time with a different book as the punchline:
The cover: A cheap looking screenplay. “Addiction to Danger. Screenplay by: CEO” |
And finally the same set-up one more time, this time with a cut-out so the reader can put their own punchline in.


#106

Pretty Big Data






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Walt: So, after a look at our customer’s big data needs, how many servers do you think we’re going to need to provision?
Warbeard: Um… one?
Walt: But they have thousands of customers and gigabytes of data. We’re planning a whole orchestrated Hadoop cluster!
Warbeard: A 1U blade server can be equipped with 800 Gigabytes of RAM and 24 cores for less than we charge for two weeks of consulting.
Warbeard: We could fit all of the data our customer generates in 10 years on a blade without ever writing to disk.
Walt: Hmm.
Warbeard: I’ve seen that look on your face before. We should still write to disk. Non-negotiable.


#107

Keyboardio



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The Ergodox Keyboard: A pretty normal keyboard, but split at the center.
The Kinesis Advantage: A very large keyboard with a bowl for each hand and a panel of controls under each thumb.
The Das Kinemax Pro Code RGB Premium Mechanical Edition: A ridiculously large keyboard with a split layout, a foot pedal, a joystick, glowing red, green, and blue buttons, a dial, a spoiler, and nitrous.


#108

Missing The Point



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CEO: Every ticket in our system is high priority! We need a new, even higher priority in order to communicate which tickets are most important!
Walt: Why not just use the existing low and medium priority settings?
CEO: Nothing is medium priority! Everything I want you to do is important!
Years Later: CEO: Every ticket in our system is super double infinity X2 critical priority! We need a new, even higher…


#109

Windy Pillows






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The crew are carrying travel gear like backpacks and bags.
Walt: Man, this kickoff is going to be great! Did you all read that book the CEO bought us? I hear he’s lined up a talk from the author!
Cube Drone: The one with the graph on the cover that looked like a butt?
Cube Drone: Oh yeah! I totally read it. I am going to agile managementize the hell out of my paradigms.
Lain: I actually read it and it was hot garbage from end to end.
Milo: I found the book very useful. It is cold in my cabin this time of year.
Sparky: We got a book?
Soon:
Windy Pillows is talking in front of a crowd.
Windy: I am being paid handsomely to be here. Let’s look at some stock photography while I read to you from my book.
A Venn Diagram that looks like a butt.
A series of arrows that look like a butt.
A slide selling his next book, “Agile Software Systems” with another butt on the cover.
Windy: As you can see, I spend a lot of my time thinking about Agile.


#110

Scientific Reorganization



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CEO: Thanks for attending this year’s kickoff, everyone! This year, we’re gearing up to deliver a lot more process. I plan to increase story production by 100%!
CEO: In order to look busy, we’ve been working hard on a departmental reorganization, so if the devs could come up to the podium one at a time for the sorting ceremony…
Soon: Cube Drone is wearing a Harry Potter Sorting Hat. It says “Product”.


#111

Kickoff Presentation






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Earlier:
Milo (holding a pile of cash): Everybody get your bets in for the CEO Kickoff Keynote Betting Pool.
At the keynote:
CEO: This is the year that our product finally earns its first nine of reliability, so say goodbye to your evenings, weekends, and any non-ops loved ones.
CEO: Innovation. Velocity. Profit. Opportunity. Profitunity. Enterprise. Scalability. 100%. Thought leader.
Cube Drone is holding on to a laptop, which has displayed on it: Miloslav Betting Website: Cube Drone, for $100 - CEO’s Keynote will contain Bad News, Buzzwords, and Profit
CEO: Here is a number. That number could be the amount of money our shareholders will make in 2017! Woo! Yeah!
Cube Drone: Yeah!
CEO: I like your enthusiasm.


#112

Taken For A Ride



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CEO: And finally, I’d like to close with an inspirational quote from Facebook or Google or something. “If you’re offered a seat on a rocket ship, don’t ask which seat. Just get on.”
Later that Day: A creepy man in a white panel van with “Rockit Ship” crudely painted on the side drives up to the CEO. Creepy Man: Hey, buddy. Want a free ride in a rocket ship? Hop in!
CEO: Sure! I have no follow-up questions!
The third panel is a milk carton with a picture of the CEO on it, under text reading “Have you seen this man?”


#113

Notorious A.C.

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Temperature changes affect hardware reliability, which is why it is vitally important to keep your servers cool.

(Picture of a server wearing a backwards hat, sunglasses, and a gold chain)


#114

PEP8 vs. V05



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Sparky: I don’t think my code is compact enough. How do I get better?
Milo: gzip?
Sparky: Huh?
Milo: Compact isn’t a very good measure of code quality. You have to consider clarity, correctness, performance, testability, shine, bounce, curl…
Sparky: Wait… bounce?
Milo: You should have seen my hair when I was your age. I looked like Vidal Sassoon.


#115

True Name



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Cube Drone: Hey, Sparky!
Sparky: Could you stop calling me Sparky? I’ve been here for six months!
Cube Drone: (touching Sparky’s face) Sparky, the time has not yet come. One day you will earn your true name.


#116

Glitter and Macaroni






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Sparky (to Cube Drone and Milo): Hey, guys, mail started arriving at my apartment addressed to “Sparky”. Are you behind this?
Cube Drone: Ha ha, yeah! Milo has some contacts, we got your name changed from Wen Zhang to Sparky in a few databases.
Sparky: This is from the government.
Cube Drone: Milo has a lot of contacts.
Cube Drone: Oh, Wen Zhang might also be on the no-fly list, now.
Milo: I wouldn’t use your passport.
Cube Drone: Don’t worry, we made you a new one.
Milo hands over a crudely made passport made with crayon and glitter.
Milo winks.


#117

Some Like It Hot



I really love movies that end on a punchline. There are a few movies out there that just feel like gigantic lead-ins to a single punch-line ending, like the whole movie is one winding joke being told in a smoky bar.

One such movie, “A Boy And His Dog”, is based on a Harlan Ellison short story. The whole movie - long, dark, abstract, super misogynistic, and pretty terrible, start to finish - ends on a really unexpected cannibalism joke. “Well, I’d certainly say she had marvelous judgment, Albert, if not particularly good taste.” Especially contrasted with how dark and humorless the rest of the movie was, I think I laughed for five solid minutes. It made the whole movie seem worth it for me.

“Some Like it Hot”, 1959 comedy classic, has a man, Jerry/Daphne, who, attempting to escape his mafia creditors, is disguised as a woman for the better part of the film. Jerry/Daphne manages to successfully win the heart of Osgood Fielding III, a millionaire who Jerry intends to bilk out of a great deal of money. At the end of the movie, Osgood has bravely rescued Jerry/Daphne from some mafia goons, and Jerry/Daphne - who has begun to experience some real feelings for Osgood - is creating every excuse that he can to try to convince Osgood that marrying him would be a bad idea. She’s a smoker! She’s barren! Osgood dismisses them all, one after the next, until Jerry/Daphne, exasperated, takes off his wig and reveals that he’s a man.

“Well, nobody’s perfect.”

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Melissa: So, here’s the scam. The app I wrote just logs into tinder with an image randomly selected from a Google image search for “sexy”. Anybody who messages her is paired with the next person to message her. Then, it just acts as a proxy, ferrying messages from one horny dude to the next.

Milo: Well, nobody’s perfect. Still want to do this?
CEO: (icily) No.


#118

Creative Meeting Room Names



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Cube Drone: How did your one-on-one with Milo go?
Sparky: Intense. I need to get a drink.
Cube Drone: Hm. The sweat lodge. That’s a curious name for a meeting room.
(Milo is sitting in a hot, wet sauna.)


#119

Predictions For The Future



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The Year is 2038
GOP Cool Ranch defunds NASA; only official duty training tour guides for Frito-Lay Creation Museum.
Apple provides master encryption keys to FBI. FBI immediately reposts all content to revenge porn website, then loses keys between couch cushions.
Dyson folds after creator is sucked into bladeless fan superweapon in Bond-esque standoff


Cube Drone B-Sides and Rarities
#120

Binary Search Your Feelings



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(The crucial scene from The Empire Strikes Back)

JIRA: If you only knew the power of the GANTT chart. Walt never told you what happened to your project.

Cube Drone: He told me enough. He told me YOU killed it.

JIRA: No. I am your project!

Cube Drone: No… no… that’s not true. That’s impossible!


#121

Bitch, I’m a Bus



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Cube Drone: Whenever you warn us about losing a developer, you say “Imagine they were hit by a bus.” Why is it always a bus?
Milo: Shhh… they’ll hear you.
A bus smashes through the whiteboard.
Walt: They’ve found us! Scatter!
Milo, holding a large steel pipe: Not today, bus! Not today.


#122

Chess Bump



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ilo, observing Melissa and Lain playing chess: Playing a game of chess, eh?
Melissa: Sort of, but we improved it.
Melissa: Queen to pawn four!
Lain: Castle!
Melissa: Double castle!
Lain: Ha! You activated my trap card! My king evolves into a mecha-emperor!
Milo: Pawn four?